The exploration of spirituality and esoteric topics does not necessarily coincide with the deep inner journey that has been described by seekers throughout the ages. And even when it does, the reasons for embarking on this ancient adventure are as diverse as those who enter upon it. I suspect that most of the time we are not all that clear about what those reasons are, and perhaps only years later do we have enough clarity to understand our truest motivations.
I am beginning to understand that for me it was a combination of an inner readiness, a natural inclination toward seeking, and a desire to escape from the physical and psychological circumstances of my life. Part of what I was trying to seek shelter from was my extreme sensitivity. Though I am emotionally strong, my physical body and sensory system has always been acutely sensitive. Ironically, the deepening of my spirituality has only heightened this sensitivity. So no relief on that front, but in many other ways my journey within has helped me weather countless storms and always rise above.
Where the sky is blue,
It is very blue.
Like countless others before me, my inner journey led me to the edge of the void, that infinite unmanifested potential that was and was not before everything that is ever was. The great emptiness, the eternal stillness, the…. well if you’ve encountered it, which I can only assume you have since you’re reading this blog, then you’ll know what I’m talking about. Allow yourself to go over the edge and into the void and you’ll likely find the self-obliterating escape from everything that you thought you were looking for. Like a cleansing fire this great emptiness will burn away lifetimes of falsehood. Is this the end of the journey? Is this the final destination? Is this the big bang at the end of the great spiritual romp? Is this the elusive egoless no-self?
For a rare few perhaps it is, but most of us do not camp out in the void forever. At some point we return, and on our return we will discover how much of ourselves remains and how much was burned away. For me the beginning of 2016 marks the beginning of my return to that which remains. I have gone through such a tremendous shift in the last two months that I do not even recognise myself anymore. A large part of this shift is a desire to re-engage with the world and a revitalised curiosity to discover all the ways in which I can do this. I am willing to inhabit the life of Zane once more, more deeply and with greater openness than ever before. Each day I observe that more and more old judgements and negativity has fallen away. I am beginning to believe that the Zane who remains may at last be the one with whom I can fall in love. Please may it be so.
That which wants nothing will never be far away, but for now I am remaining Zane.